Sexual Desire: It’s Not What You Think
In the iconic words of Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.” Not as in positions, sexual preferences, or even sex therapy, but more as in the differences and similarities of how women’s brains affect sexual experiences. You may have heard that the brain is the biggest sex organ, yet few of us apply that knowledge to ourselves. Women are influenced by social and cultural norms in ways that impact how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about sex. For too long we’ve internalized the messages that if a woman likes sex, she’s a slut and if she doesn’t like sex, she’s a prude. And many women think something is wrong with them because of how they look or what they like (or don’t like). In Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski, explores the science behind sex, desire, and attachment and attempts to breakdown the cultural biases inherent in many of us.
Through Nagoski’s research and book, women are encouraged to embrace exactly who they are and the factors that may affect sexual desire. One key aspect of her writing is the determination that sexual desire is not a drive. In other words, it’s not a biological need. No one has ever died because they couldn’t get laid. Sexual desire can be further broken down into “spontaneous” desire and “responsive” desire. Spontaneous desire means one craves sex out of nowhere; it just appears. Responsive desire means one’s passion increases after sexy things or thoughts have occurred. Both are normal, though some may not be surprised to learn more women have responsive desire than spontaneous desire.
It’s also helpful to know there are two opposing factors in our brains related to sex: accelerators (exciters) and brakes (inhibitors). The accelerators are things that stimulate us and make sexual desire more likely to happen. The brakes are things that kill the mood and make people less likely to feel sexy or respond to sexual prompts. Each person’s accelerators and brakes are unique to the individual, but some things that certainly affect everyone’s sexual desire include mental and physical wellbeing, setting, partner characteristics, relationship factors, and life stressors, like work, children, bills, etc. (Spoiler alert: stress is a big ol’ brake.) Perhaps the most important factor related to accelerators and brakes is trust. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, says partners need to know “ARE you there for me?” in order to be authentic and vulnerable:
Accessible - being open to each other and paying attention
Responsive - being able to rely on your partner in good times and bad
Engaged - knowing that you are valued and that you matter
Furthermore, couples who report having a strong and fulfilling sexual relationship over a long period of time do not necessarily have sex often, do not have particularly adventurous sex, don’t need to have “new relationship excitement,” and aren’t necessarily people who can’t keep their hands off each other. What they do have in common is they are friends (trust) and they prioritize sex (as a means of connection, intimacy, and pleasure).
Whether part of a couple or single, women will benefit from unlearning some of the negative messages we’ve received about our bodies and sex. The idea of becoming “sex positive,” believing that sex can and should be a favorable thing in a person’s life, is becoming increasingly popular. Sex positivity is also about having space to learn about, explore, and embody sexuality and consensual sexual experiences without shame or judgement. For generations of women who have been socialized that sex is dirty or only for procreation, or that they have to be a certain size and look a certain way, becoming sex positive will take patience, awareness, commitment, and courage. When an automatic negative thought comes in about one’s self or another person based on their body or their sexual expression, questioning that thought and the message is good first step towards sex positivity.
And finally, Emily Nagoski would like us all to know that lubrication is a not a given indicator of desire and many women may need a little help in that area. Hormones, some medications, aging, and timing can all affect natural lubrication. Using a lubrication aid can decrease painful friction, increase pleasure, and relieve some anxiety about being wet enough (which can send the message that there is something wrong with her. There is not.) There are several different lubricants to try, such as saliva, store bought variations (including flavored options), and some natural oils.
Bottom line: we are normal, regardless of our level of desire or frequency of sex. If increasing either of those sounds interesting to you, use your brain: work on increasing your accelerators and easing up on your brakes. If reading this information made you a little uncomfortable, that’s okay. Acknowledge it and ask yourself why. Then perhaps get some lube. Salt-N-Pepa would be proud.
