The Importance of Validation
Here is an experiment for you: The next time you are experiencing interpersonal conflict, try something different. Look for something that you can validate and speak those words aloud. “It makes sense that you feel…….”
You may expect that validating someone else’s negative feelings will cause those feelings to grow in intensity, but the opposite is typically true. Being understood by another soothes our emotions, slows reactivity, improves negotiation, and enhances respect.
Even if you disagree with how the other person expresses their feelings, recognizing that their emotion is normal and legitimate is a helpful place to start. It reduces distress and increases connection. Our common humanity has the chance to unite us.
When we validate our friend, partner, or child, we enable the other to be seen, known, and understood. Validation communicates compassionate understanding and acceptance of someone else’s experience. It occurs as we acknowledge their subjective truth as real and follow their internal logic. It is humble.
In order to validate another, we must change our communication goal. Instead of seeking to be “right,” we seek to be “connected.” In real-time, the relationship has the chance to be a conduit of grace.
Here are some examples of validating statements:
- “I can see how hard you’ve been working to fix this problem…..”
- “This is so important to you. Of course, you are feeling sad (angry, disappointed)….”
- “It is so hard to feel misunderstood. No wonder you are so upset.”
- “If I were you, I imagine I would come to the same conclusion….”
- “Given all you’ve been through, I understand why you would feel the way you do.”
After we have validated someone, we may choose to share a differing opinion, guide, or advise the other. Or we may give our loved ones the space to find their own way, recognizing that their peace of mind is an inside job. Either way, through validation, we refrain from judgment and put on love.
If you would like to improve your communication skills and ability to validate, consider a season of individual or couples counseling. Visit memorialfamilyconnections.com for more information on our team or to schedule an appointment.
