How Couples Can Make the Most of Forced Togetherness

There was a recent meme on Facebook that went something like this:

Husband: I’m so glad to be quarantined with someone I like and whose company I enjoy.

Wife: Must be nice…

I’m sure it was meant in jest, and it did make me giggle. But as a marriage and family therapist, I know there is some truth to that for many people. And the longer our social distancing is enforced, the more likely a scenario may be for many couples. We are about three weeks into our “new normal.” But the newness is wearing off… and patience is beginning to wear thin. Stress amplifies even small difficulties, and we have stress aplenty right now. Fortunately, there are ways couples can support each other throughout this difficult time. 

 Manage the day to day (to day to day) together

Create a structure that gives a predictable rhythm to your days and allows each of you to have scheduled times for childcare necessities, work, self-care, family time, and alone time. Communicate how this will work and negotiate as needed. Talk about your needs and your struggles. In addition to managing all other aspects of life, be sure to also allow time for just the two of you. Go for a walk. Watch a favorite show. Take a nap (wink, wink). Look at each other when you’re talking to each other. Find a way to really connect with your partner each day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. 

Expect tensions to rise.

If a conflict between you and your spouse hasn’t happened yet since you’ve been on lockdown, it’s probably just a matter of time. The amount of stress, anxiety, disruption, and uncertainty we’re all experiencing can seem overwhelming right now. Often those we’re closest to are on the receiving end of our projected fear, sadness, confusion, and anger. When conflict occurs, try to show grace. Try to listen to what your partner is really saying, not automatically thinking of your rebuttal. Speak clearly, kindly, and directly. It’s okay to take a little time to calm down, so things don’t escalate, but be sure to reconnect and repair. Apologize and make amends. Try to refocus on how you can support each other. After all, there is nowhere else to go. 

Teammates

 I encourage the couples I work with to remember they are on the same team. Partners have different coping skills, defense mechanisms that get triggered, and challenging communication patterns. This can create tension and misunderstanding. But at the end of the day, if couples can embrace the idea that they are a team and that ultimately they want the same thing, it can diffuse tension and build a connection. To help you and your spouse remember you’re on the same team, it can be extremely helpful to have a code word or catchphrase. When my husband and I moved our oldest son into college, a day fraught with high emotions, frustrating circumstances, and logistical complications, we agreed on the phrase “not today,” a quote from Game of Thrones, a show we enjoyed together. We have continued to use it when things get heated to remind us we want the same things and to cut each other a little slack. I know a couple that uses “I got you” as their reminder. I like that this communicates both “I understand” and “I have your back.” Find a word or phrase that is meaningful to you and your partner, or pick a random, silly word. The point is to gently remind each other that you are indeed partners.  

Living in a bubble

Our current situation can certainly make us feel like we’re living in a bubble, but this can be a good thing. In Wired for Love, Dr. Stan Tatkin uses the phrase “the couple bubble” to illustrate the protective factor that should be inherent between partners. This bubble allows each partner to feel safe, accepted, cared for, and secure. Being in quarantine could be a great time to create or strengthen your couple bubble. By doing so, you agree to strive for your partner’s wellbeing, allow each other to be vulnerable, and support one another when things get hard. It also means when one of you messes up, you hold each other accountable for what you mutually agreed upon to help you get back on track. 

So try to embrace our forced togetherness as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship, support each other, and fortify your couple bubble. And perhaps most importantly, try to keep your sense of humor. Share some funny, if even all-too-true memes with one another. Laughing together at life’s crazy is a really good way to connect.