How To Repair a Broken World: Healing From the Inside Out
As I have watched the world unfold these last few months, I have felt sorrow, grief, and anxiety with all the uncertainty the future holds. Between the COVID pandemic, the struggling economy, the media wars, and the heartbreaking stories that expose racial injustices that permeate today’s society, it can feel overwhelming. I can see the intense pain and the suffering across our country, and I often feel powerless to change it. The enormity of the issues often feels too big, too pervasive, and too powerful. As a therapist, I am in conversation about these very topics on a daily basis, and I can see the despair and the emotional toll all this has on our collective mental health. As I have reflected on personal ways to navigate change, I tend to fall back on my training as a marriage and family therapist rooted in the system’s theory. This allows me to expand my lens to not only focus on the larger systems around us but the role we play as individuals that affect the system as a whole. The interrelatedness of the individuals in the system has a profound influence on the overall health of the system. My work teaches me time and time again that if we can work on the individuals in the system (ourselves) and our relationships with each other, we can profoundly influence the systems that we are a part of.
Often times couples and families initiate the therapy process with an overwhelming amount of chaos and pain: deep wounds, betrayals, traumas, conflict, and grief. The detailed content of what is going on in their lives often feels overwhelming, and finding solutions feels impossible at the beginning of the work. I have learned over the years that in order to make any substantial progress in the issues brought to treatment, we must first focus on the process of how those conversations take place. In order to get any constructive work done, everyone must do their work to create a safe place to allow for vulnerability. Each person in the process needs to create a space for the other parties to feel heard, acknowledged, and validated. Once these skills are in place, the real work can begin in addressing the complex issues that brought them to a crisis point. As I have grown throughout my career, I have learned to trust this process. It is always a powerful and humbling experience to see the resiliency, grace, understanding, and creativity couples and families can come up with in discerning the next steps in the healing process- solutions that never would have felt possible at the starting line with unchecked hostility, pain, anger, and despair.
What does this have to do with what is going on in our world? Right now, it is easy to get overwhelmed in coming up with action steps to tackle this pandemic, address wounds caused by discrimination and racism, and build some goodwill in our nation and our government. Those systems feel too big, and we feel too small. But I trust that if we can each focus on doing our own work and creating a better space for each other, we will make some traction in these areas in ways that feel unimaginable right now. We can focus on healing ourselves from the inside out and build ways to bring unity and peace to those around us.
Here are some effective ways to do our part in creating a culture of decency, respect, and innovation. Once we make some progress in these areas, we can start the real work of creating constructive solutions to unify our country and repair the pain we have caused each other.
1. LISTEN: First of all, we need to stop talking. There is too much endless talking and ranting with very little listening. We have to intentionally set our defenses down and hear each other out. Make peace with the idea that you don’t have all the information and that expanding your understanding of other perspectives benefits everyone involved. Listen to each other’s stories and experiences that shape them. Have compassion and empathy for what it might be like standing in someone else’s shoes. Take some time to digest it all before you share your thoughts and ideas. You will find that when a person feels heard and validated, the tone of the conversations shifts immediately. Listen with the same intensity that you would like to be heard.
2. HARD CONVERSATIONS: There is no doubt that bringing up complex issues is hard. They trigger deep emotions, defensiveness, and angst. It is so easy to avoid these conversations in order to keep the peace and avoid conflict. However, if we never talk about issues of racial injustice, inequality, broken systems, or intolerance for others who view the world differently, the status quo will prevail, and nothing will change. In order to make these conversations constructive, it is incredibly important to work on collaborative language, a soft delivery, and an open mind. Talk to your kids in age-appropriate ways about world events, family values, and complex issues. I am raising three white boys that are plopped down right into a life of privilege. It is our duty to help them understand the inherent power in that. As parents, we have a duty to guide our children in how to be good stewards of that power to advocate for changes and fight for liberty and justice for all. These conversations are not easy and can trigger all kinds of emotion, defensiveness, and tension. They can be hard and heated. Have them anyway.
3. LEARN. Never lose the desire to stay curious and learn. In order to live our best lives, we have to stay open to our own growth and evolution. In our divided nation, it is easy to get stuck in your own doctrines and feel threatened when your beliefs are questioned and examined. Find people who challenge you. Look for leaders that address various societal issues in collaborative ways. There have been incredible leaders and scholars that have devoted their lives to bringing awareness to issues of inequality, faith, injustice, generational trauma, leadership, etc. Let’s listen to them, learn from them, and open our minds to understanding different ideas and viewpoints. It is likely that over time many of your guiding values and principles will stay the same, but it will open you up to more respect for differing viewpoints and ideologies. Spoiler alert: If you are listening to leaders on issues that use insults, shame, and ridicule towards those that do not share their beliefs, you are working against a constructive journey towards healing our nation. Decency, respect, and humility are key, fundamental qualities that we need in teachers and leaders to expand our hearts and minds for the greater good.
4. ACT. We all have causes and issues that pull on our heartstrings. Our world and society are forever evolving, and different presenting issues rise to the surface. Do not let your feelings of overwhelm and complacency keep you stuck. Fight for change. Volunteer. Pray. Lead. Financially support causes dear to your heart. Stay on top of local, state, and national elections and vote for strong candidates that raise the bar for our country and bring out the best in all of us.
This has been such a difficult and trying time for our nation. We are navigating unchartered waters. Our society and culture can feel so toxic at times. Our justice system continues to fail countless people. Prejudice, racism, and discrimination are all around us. We don’t know where to turn for guidance, leadership, or information. Humans create endless suffering for other humans. Our generational sins will be passed down from one generation to the next until we do our individual heart work to influence, heal, and inspire our relationships, which in turn will influence the culture and the systems around us. Underneath our brokenness, there is so much goodness. There is power in love, acceptance, faith, and belief in the common good. It is hard to hate people up close. We need to come together and listen and understand. Actively seek out the goodness of humanity and get behind the powerful force of broken, imperfect humans coming together to unite one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. As a country, we are more alike than we are different. Hold yourself to a high standard for doing your own personal work to be a constructive part of the solution. Small changes can make a radical difference. Let us all do our part in our hearts, our lives, our relationships, and our communities to create healing and leave the world better than we found it.
