Holiday Boundaries with Family
Boundaries are a frequent topic in therapy spaces during the period leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas. And while it makes perfect sense that we need good boundaries to have happy relationships, creating boundaries can be frustrating and confusing. Add in other people’s reactions, and you have the recipe for more than turkey and stuffing. We understandably want to please others and do what ‘makes them happy’ while we simultaneously want to do what pleases us.
When you look at our tribal history as a species, you see the roots of this dilemma. As a social species, humans have survived better due to our group relationships and social structure. We depend on following the ‘rules’ and keeping the peace of our tribe. Yet if Uncle John gets drunk and maligns your partner, or your political party, he’s crossed your boundary and you have a decision point. Do you point out to him that he hurt/ angered you? Will it accomplish anything? Even if you think it won’t, would it be beneficial to still speak your truth? Dear Abby was created to ‘solve’ many of these boundary questions.
Your responsibility is to plan for success, assume the best possible intention, pick your battles wisely, and practice self care. Doesn’t that sound logical and easy? We know that we respond our best when we are calm. I talk with many clients about hyper and hypo arousal, and how their thinking brain gets turned off when they are distressed, and that’s why they go into freeze/ flight/ fight and can’t speak from their wisest self.
If you need more ideas regarding application of boundaries, you may find Cloud and Townsend’s classic book Boundaries (a Christian approach), or Set Boundaries Find Peace by Tawwab helpful. Tawwab has written one specifically about boundaries in families called Drama Free, The authors have a lot of ideas about how to prep for difficult family gatherings, conversations you’d like to avoid, and other common topics. Whatever inspires to you practice setting boundaries with love will be a step towards your best holiday season.
